PDA

View Full Version : Thanks L8, from Dumbass



Moonshine
04-12-2002, 01:17 PM
Well, for those of you who are really bored, or enjoy a chuckle at someone else's expense, or need proof that Terry C. really is a decent guy, I offer the following two situations which have convinced me that I am truly a dumbass, hereafter referred to as DA.

Situation # 1 - About a year ago DA decides he needs some place handy in the L. to keep his cell phone, so he purchases a small clip which can be affixed to any flat surface. Yes, the package states that it becomes permanent after 72 hours, but it's only double sided tape, so how tough can it possibly be to remove, right? So DA affixes the cell phone clip to the lower dash between the cigarette lighter door and the cup holder door, and life is good. Fast forward about a year and our bud Logan is expecting the impending arrival of a couple small Loganette's, so he decides to part with his L., and sell off his mods. Logan offers up his way cool bucket seat/center console conversion at a ridiculously low price, and DA, in a decidedly undumbassed moment, jumps on the deal. Shortly thereafter the swap is completed, DA now has the way cool bucket seat/center console setup, and life is good. Well, not being capable of leaving well enough alone, after a few days with said way cool console DA decides he no longer needs the cell phone clip on the dash, since he now has an abundance of nooks, crannys, and cubbyholes in his way cool console. Besides, it's only double sided tape, so how tough can it possibly be, right? Having made this dumbassed decision DA proceeds to grunt, strain, curse, pry, and twist until that &^%$#@($ cell phone clip flys off with almost enough force to shatter the back window. Well, at least it's off, right? Only problem is that when this world class double sided tape finally let go it took a tiny bit of the gray color off the lower dash with it, leaving a 1/8" round black defect in the lower dash. Unfortunately, in addition to being a dumbass, DA is also something of a compulsive perfectionist, so after a few days he decides that this imperfection simply must go. Not a problem, right? Call brother Terry C., and ask him to bring the vinyl color match to the TALON meeting so DA can re-spray the lower dash with the same color match he previously borrowed to color match the pillar pod for his boost gauge. Terry C. kindly obliges, and life is good. Yes, I know you're now saying wait, tilt, the A pillar and the lower dash are clearly, unmistakably, obviously very different shades of gray, you dumbass! And you're absolutely right, but DA ignores all the obvious, and proceeds to spray the lower dash with the much lighter A-pillar gray vinyl color match. Well, DA rapidly discovers his mistake as a 1" by 2" swath of light gray appears on the lower dash, now covering what was a miniscule 1/8" imperfection. DA, the dumbass, grabs a paper towel in a pathetic attempt to wipe the light gray off, smearing it into a 2" by 3" mess. DA's wife has made her semi-annual appearance in the garage and is watching the "progress" when she suddenly volunteers "fingernail polish remover!" and runs to fetch it. DA, at least being a consistent dumbass, goes for this advice, and uses the fingernail polish remover, which does in fact remove the too light mess. Along with all the color, so now DA has a 2.5" by 3.5" spot with no color at all, allowing the basic black plastic to show through. Life is decidedly not good. Well, DA proceeds to call brother T., explain his fax paus, and ask if perhaps brother Terry might possibly have some vinyl color match in the proper, darker shade of gray of the lower dash. T. refrains from laughing, and says no, but he will check into it and see if he can locate some in the proper shade of gray. Once again, our dumbassed DA can't leave well enough alone, so a few days later he's at the local auto parts store when he spots some "medium gray" vinyl color match. He buys, he returns home, and he holds the cap up next to the lower dash. Looks right, but he's now just a bit of a skeptic, so he test sprays a hunk of cardboard, allows it to dry, and then holds it up next to the lower dash. All looks good. Oh, did I forget to mention that DA is doing all this last weekend during the flood, so he's inside the garage, under fluorescent lights, with no natural light illuminating the subject? So, DA proceeds to mask everything off, spray merrily away, and obliterate his mess. Life is good, well, at least until two days later when the sun finally reappears, and DA discovers that he's still about two shades off, which is painfully obvious thanks to the masking lines. A few more days pass, DA goes out for lunch and discovers he has a voice mail from brother Terry. Brother T.'s voice mail indicates he's located the proper charcoal gray shade of color match, he's special ordered it, he will pick it up later the same day, and if he's not too busy he'll swing by DA's work and deliver it to the back of DA's poor abused L. OK sports fans, Terry may be the local Brembo brake whipping boy, but even a dumbass like DA can see that brother T. has gone way beyond the call of duty to assist a fellow L. owner. Life is good. DA proceeds to lunch, plunks some chow in his dumbassed belly, and returns to a long and very busy afternoon, promptly forgetting all about the voice mail from brother T. DA finally escapes the office, hops in the L., and drives home, wondering all the time what in hell he keeps hearing rattling in the bed of the L., and never once remembering the obvious. DA stops for gas near the house, and upon his return to the L. discovers the charcoal gray color match, and life is good. A few hours later a bit of masking, spraying, and double checking in full daylight are complete, and DA's poor L. is back in pristine shape, with all vinyl surfaces in their proper shades. Life is finally truly good, but only thanks to brother T., and in spite of this dumbassed guy DA.

For those of you who are not yet fully convinced that DA is in fact a bona fide dumbass, we'll now proceed to situation #2, which takes place but mere moments after the first dumbassed mess is finally rectified.

Situation #2 - As some of you know, DA has the good fortune to live on a small piece of land, and has a stock tank a few hundred yards from the house. Being a basic gadget, car buff, there's no such thing as too much horsepower kinda guy (insert Tool Time grunt here), DA recently acquired a brand spankin new, top of the line, all the bells and whistles Kawasaki Prarie 650 ATV. Consider it the L. of the ATV world. In addition to his other faults, DA is way too easily amused, so the dumbass often decompresses from a day at the office by riding the Prarie down to the tank, sitting there while the sun sets, and shooting any turtles unwise enough to poke their snouts above the surface. Speaking of turtles, they are surprisingly nomadic creatures. DA can eradicate all the turtles in his tank, and life will be good for a month or so, and then suddenly there will be four or five new, fully mature turtles that just appear one day. Other neighbors have similar stock tanks, but the closest is nearly 400 yards away. What's the deal with these turtles? Do they hang out in neighbor A's tank for awhile, then suddenly decide they can't spend another night staring at the same speck of mud, so let's go check out DA's tank? I don't get it, but I digress, as dumbasses are wont to do. At any rate, the plan is supposed to work something like this. DA rides the Prarie to the tank, parks on the back slope of the tank dam to minimize his silhouette, and waits for any unwary turtles to appear. When they do, DA slithers off the saddle, plunks his dumb ass on the Prarie floorboard, braces his left arm on the front fender for a steady shot, and then proceeds to bust said unwary turtle with a .22 Magnum. Yesterday everything started out according to plan, but wiser readers will note that with the ATV parked on the back slope of the tank it's sitting pretty nose high. Yeah, I know, you can see where this is going, but then you're not a dumbass. At any rate, after obtaining a good sight picture through the scope DA touches off the first round. Well, the rifle fires, but to no apparent effect. There's no slap as the bullet strikes turtle snout, no splash as the bullet hits the water, nothing. Well, being a dumbass, DA fires a second shot, with similar results. Proving his dumbassedness DA tries a third shot, same results, before finally deciding that something truly is not right here. Finally, DA removes his eye from the scope to take in a slightly larger view of the world, and is struck by the flower petal sculpture he's made of the front rack/upper bumper on the Prarie by blasting not one, not two, but three shots through it from the distance of about 1". To redeem what little pride he has left, DA then leans out, around the fender, and proceeds to bust Mr. Turtle in the snout, if only to stop the turtle from continuing to laugh his ass off at the dumbass on the bank. This is apparently fate's revenge on DA, who mercilessly ridiculed a neighbor for putting two rifle shots through the passenger mirror of his Chevy pickup whilst trying to bust a coyote from the driver's seat. Hey, at least neighbor only took two shots to discover his mistake. So now our dumbassed DA has his next repair project all lined up.

Based on the events of the past few weeks, it has become apparent to me that I'm truly a dumbass. Unfortunately, my condition may be contagious. If you have so little life, so little to do, or are so easily amused that you've read through all of the foregoing, they you too may be showing sign of becoming a dumbass.

Mark #2
04-12-2002, 01:47 PM
Okay, I'll admit it, I read it all.

Someday maybe I will be man enough to write up the reason that you do not attempt to repair electric fuel pumps.

I'm sure we can all relate.
Mark

Red2002
04-12-2002, 01:53 PM
That's hilarious! I'm sure we can all tell tales of past, sometimes unmentionable, experiences. Thanks for sharing yours! :)

Btw, you've got my vote for the longest post in any Forum in the history of the Internet. :D :p

Crawford
04-12-2002, 01:56 PM
Damn... you are right, I feel dumber already after reading that mess.

More on the digression. I love nothing more on this planet that putting lead into turtles. I have years of experience in this field by laying waste to many of them out at my farm. If those turtles migrate in larger numbers and you need assistance maybe we can catch them in some crossfire. Lemme know. I have some serious turtle killing hardware (.22) you might want to get your hands on. :D

98Cobra
04-12-2002, 02:07 PM
Brian. that was pretty funny. But I can relate, I have certainly had my share of dumb ass things. :D

Silver_2000
04-12-2002, 02:45 PM
LOL

My gut hurts

Not sure I believe all the stuff about Brembo Boy though...

Doug

L8 APEX
04-12-2002, 03:50 PM
Thanks Brian! Don't pay attention to Doug I hand delivered some parts to him at work and he gave me guff about the hook up price AND made me buy my own lunch:nono:
I have my own dumbass story on that same pond. Back in the fall we were "decompressing" at the pond laid out on the berm in the prone position. The pasture grass was dead and short so when you lay on it it kind of pokes you. Anyway I was ignoring this slight pain focusing on the turtle to surface. My girlfriend was behind me and told me I was covered in fire ants. I looked over at DA#1 he knew of no fire ants out here. I laughed and said "you're not getting my spot!" About two minutes later of her repeating this warning I thought "this grass sure does sting". Now the grass is stinging my legs through my jeans.... I look at my left arm and it is half brown with fire ants. So I jump up and do the ants in my pants dance. Dumping clothes as I run across the pasture. The first comment out of DA#1 is " great sillouhet (sp)? your self and scare the turtle why don't you". Thanks for your consideration there Brian! I ended up counting over 50 ant bites on my arms and legs. Good thing I am not allergic to them I reckon.. I did get a cool buzz though, kind of like licking toads or something:d
Maybe we shouldn't mess with the damn turtles:nono:

Moonshine
04-12-2002, 03:55 PM
Hey T, you gotta get your priorities straight. Huntin comes first, and minor issues like personal injury and perforated vehicles are secondary. You'll notice that despite ants in pants boy that turtle was also sent off to the great pond in the sky.

Crawford, you're welcome anytime, but at present I'm all outa turtles. :D

99WhiteBeast
04-12-2002, 04:17 PM
Brian- that's classic but I can relate. I tatoo'd an orange construction barrel at 80 rounding a corner a little wide yesterday. You outta see the lovely orange streaks down the side of a white L:eek:

This better compound out damnit :hammer:

L8 APEX
04-12-2002, 04:24 PM
Ouch! You put the chip in yet? Sounds like a power overdose:burnout:

99WhiteBeast
04-12-2002, 04:41 PM
No chip yet- Mark's helping me out tomorrow on the install.

Now if I only had the Brembo's or the Hotchis I could have avoided all this.......:tongue:

Logan
04-12-2002, 08:45 PM
Hilarious... :D

MadMax
04-12-2002, 10:31 PM
**** happens :p


LOL

Sixpipes
04-13-2002, 09:57 AM
As a degreed biologist I feel it is my duty to set the record straight on a turtle issue here. Turtles do not migrate, they merely wander around seeking more humid (lower) areas to inhabit. Have you ever seen a turtle climbing up a hill? I didn't think so. I would suspect that there are several adjacent ponds at higher elevations than Brian's tank, none of which have as good of turtle-control procedures in place as Brian's place, thus an endless supply of turtles. That's the good news. The bad news is, if his story ever hits the Wandering Turtle Gazzette, he will have to seriously consider dredging his tank of turtle carcases by the end of the year. :vomit: And purchasing several hundred dollars worth of replacement parts for his four-wheeler.

Fact: A red-eared painted turtle approximately 12 inches in diameter traveling across two lanes of traffic can be shot at a perpendicular angle to the direction of one silver Ford Taurus traveling at 80mph on highway 287 North. If said Taurus driver clips the poor unfortunate turtle about one-third into his protective shell, said turtle would immediately accelerate to the approximate speed of the Taurus and launch itself at an estimated 20 degree angle from the pavement. If said Taurus happened to be passing a tractor trailor rig at the appropriate time such as to shoot the turtle into the gap created between the tandom axles on the tractor, it is somehow possible for said turtle to be sprayed back at the Taurus (in a puree) and mist his right rear quarter panel before there is time to clear the carnage. Typically, the average Taurus driver will not discover this until such time as the Taurus needs to gas up.

Brian - It takes a very secure person to expose themselves to ridicule over the internet. I personally, have never done anything close to as dumb as that, as far as you know. :tongue:

blueoval01
04-13-2002, 05:57 PM
Argggg,
I didn't have to think too far back about a major "DA" move.

I wrote a check to the IRS for:
1) A full Hotchkis supension
2) "Silver Bullet" Exhaust
3) 4 Way Chip
4) Lower Pulley Upgrade
5) Billet Single Blade Throttle Body

AND
Most of a BremBo Brake Job. :eek:
OR Level 10 Tranny ..........

AND They refuse to do the work ........... :nono:

:crying: :crying: :crying:

George G.
04-30-2002, 02:06 PM
After reading this entire thread, I feel compelled to offer my exciting weekend event. Of course I did feel like a dumbass after it happened but fortunately the end result was ok.

Saturday afternoon I decide to do a major brake over haul. Not liking the results from Autozone pads(replaced in Dec.) I now had a hard pull to the left when braking and after normal driving through traffic after work and getting home, I can smell the rotors burning up! And now beginning to warp...I can feel a brake pulse. Needless to say, I was burning up cause I didn't feel like working on my truck again.:flaming:

So after a trip to O'Reilly's, I bought new wheel cylinders, spring kit, shoes and pads, calipers, and fluid. I prep myself for a day's work....I've done brakes before so no problem. Day one, I start on the front brakes, Trip #1 back to the store to drop of rotors to be turned. Replace both calipers, Trip #2 to pick up rotors. Rotors are now on, bearings packed...cotter pin brakes. Trip #3 to the store for new cotter pins. Replaced pins and begin to complete the front brakes. During that time I decide I better replace the front brake hoses also just in case one of them is collapsed, causing the pull. Trip #4 to the store for new hoses. I finally get it all assemble and also let the fluid drain low and fill it with new fluid. All is well with the front and call it a night around 12:30 or so. I'll tackle the rears tomorrow.

Day 2, raise the rear, remove wheels and begin on the first wheel. Trip #5 to drop of the drums to be turned and the core on the front calipers. I do one side at a time so I don't forget the order of the assembly. This time, I decide to cough up the money and buy a brake spring tool. I'm tired of using a flat head screw driver and needle nose pliers. Remove the old hardware(peice of cake with the right tools) shoes, remove and replace the wheel cylinder. I'm making good time. Begin to put the new springs back on but I'm delayed with the cable guide. It will not stay on the shoe to put on the other springs on. Take a closer look and realize that the back of the guide is broken, where it inserts into the shoe. I'm getting extremely frustrated by now. Trip #6 to the nearest store(Autozone) for the cable guides...but they dont have them. Drive back home and decide to make Trip #7 back to O'Reilly's for the guides...and while I'm there I'll get my drums. Well, being short staffed, my drums aren't ready. Go back home to finish the brakes. Well, now I cant seem to get the lower return spring across to the adjuster braket while holding the cable guide on the shoe. After a long time of fooling with it, I get it on using my trusty needle nose pliers and pulling the spring across. All is well for that side so I start on the other side. Next is the exciting part. I start on the other side and disassemble the springs and shoes, remove and replace the wheel cylinder. Now for the assembly part. While trying to install the new springs I'm again delayed by the new cable guide. After a quick hollar for my better half's assistance(wife) I get her to hold the guide in place with a small screwdriver inserted in the hole where the last spring will go. So she is bending over me, Im sitting on the ground working on the lower spring. My newly obtained spring tool does not work on the lower spring. My only option....needle nose pliers and stretch the spring across. After numerous failed attempts and the pliers losing the grip on the spring, I decide to pull harder, kinda towards me, to get the spring on. The pliers again lose the grip, the spring retracts and the needle nose pliers, still in my death grip, violently rush towards my face where the point enters the right side of me nose and comes to a complete stop against the bone...right above the soft part of your nose. About a milli second later, I realize I just busted my own nose and it's bleeding pretty quickly. After cussing everything under the sun, I go inside to assess the damage....just what I expected. A puncture wound inside my nose, although I couldn't really see anything with the blood rushing outward. After I get the bleeding to stop, my wife tries every method possible to refrain from laughing...but she then gives up and lets it out. After realizing how much of a dumbass I am, I begin to laugh myself....it's either laugh and stay calm or go on a rampage destroying everything in my path...including the Lightning. After taking a break, I had no choice, I return to my project from hell. Wife is too scared to go back with me in fear of getting wounded from my idiotic ways. I still need to hold the cable guide!!! A lightbulb goes off and I decide to use a C-clamp and hold the guide in place...it's working! I found no other way to pull the lower spring so I CAREFULLY grap for the needle nose pliers...this time I was successful. The brakes are now assembled. Trip #8 to pick up my freshly turned drums. My nose decides to release some blood on the way to the parts store.... 1 LOWSY TISSUE IN THE CAR! I pull in the parking lot, prolly looking like a fool holding my nose. Nose stops bleeding and I proceed to walk inside in a manner where my face is tilted downward so no one can tell that I've been injured. Pick up the freaking drums and get home, Put the wheels on and bleed the brakes. Jump in, give em a quick test and all is well. Truck stops good and straight. Test drive again during lunch today and by the time I get back to work...I also made a few aggressive stops, I can smell the rotors getting hot and burning.:flaming: :flaming: Now I know I did not spend 2 days, 8 trips to the parts store, 150.00 bucks and a busted nose, just to have my brakes get hot like that!!! What else can go wrong?!

So there is my DA story. I hope you enjoyed reading cause I sure as hell would not wish that type of weekend on anyone! Later

Tex Arcana
03-25-2004, 06:20 PM
Wow... and here I thought *I* was a dumbass as well... :eek:

Gawd, my list of "dumbassies" is LOOOONG... but the short versions of the most recent:

#1--buying a set of screen doors for the patio doors, only to find out I forogt to take into account the brickmoldings affect the fitment of said screen doors. Only major door modifications, to both the screens AND the door frame itself, will suffice. At least Lowes took the screens back.

#2--Ran my Lightning at Motorsports Ranch with DFW-SVTOA last weekend, and I did *everything* suggested except upgrade the brake pads (fresh fluid, MObil1 in the motor, etc), and *damned* if I didn't cook the freakin' brakes!! :o :throw: :( So I've spent the last 4 days reading, looking, reading more, asking for advice (and damn near EVERY forum I posted on, asking for advice, LAID OUT ON ME!! Damn them!), and now, here I sit, with new speed bleeders in the truck, fresh fluid waiting for me to bleed the system, and potentially fried brake pads, and I haven't done SQUAT because I can't figure out which brake pads to use. :crying:

So, I'm gonna follow Tim Allen's advice, on the first page of his first book:

"The first two words in every home handyman's vocabulary SHOULD BE: 'YELLOW PAGES!!!'"

Yep, I called the dealership, I talked with the SVT specialist, he's gonna get his crew cheif to call me back with advice on waht pads to use, I'm gonna get 'em, take 'em to the dealer, and let SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING PUT THEM ON! :bows

I've done everything under the sun, automotively, but there's a REASON I stopped: because I'm not a professional, and it is insanely frustrating to do a job and not do it right, because of something I missed, or some tool I am missing. :tu:

Maybe I'm on my way to redeeming my dumbassedness.







Nah, I'll continnue to do stupid stuff... I'm a guy, that's my curse... :(

Silver_2000
03-25-2004, 06:29 PM
This thread is great .. Moonshines post got me laughing all over agian and the rest were good tooo..

Doug

cpeapea
03-25-2004, 06:42 PM
Loganettes! :rll:

my2002lightning
03-25-2004, 07:57 PM
Gotta' love "fun with firearms"! The memories of all the pasture parties in the college days!knana

We were shooting turtles one time from a pond dam when I first got my brand-new Mini-14 Ranch with a Leupold 3x9x40 (my college days so I didn't have a ton of $$$$). They laid low for a while and one of us threw a CL can out there for fun.

I hit it with a double-tap from the .223 and it disappeared for 10-15 seconds. We thought... WTH?!? Then it hit back in the water from above! :rll: :D

Good times.

Ronald

Logan
03-25-2004, 09:43 PM
Thanks guys... That had me laughing my ass off all over again!!! Hey Brian... You fixed them holes yet :rll:

L8 APEX
03-25-2004, 09:56 PM
I could update this list but I won't for pride's sake.

Aggie Mom
03-25-2004, 10:58 PM
Well it’s not quite the same story, but this is how 82 cents caused Aggie Mom to have her first street race. While leaving work after a day of back to back meetings causing me to miss lunch, I pulled into the local Jack in the Box drive thru to order two monster tacos, fries and a coke. After receiving my food, I threw the change of 82 cents into the ashtray. Wanting to get home before the food gets cold I rapidly excelled onto the freeway ramp. Being new to the L thing and still slightly nervous about hurting my new truck, I hear this unbelievable rattle. Thinking I have just blown something up in the motor, I turn the stereo down and back off the gas to see if I can hear the noise. Hence, no noise. So I, romp on it again. Lo and behold, the noise returns, so I back off the gas again. At that moment a testosterone, hair on fire, youngster (who, by the way, wasn’t all that bad looking) in a Boss Mustang pulls up along side of me thinking I want to drag race. He starts romping on it, backing off, romping on it, backing off, etc. and then looks at me with he best surfer dude expression as to say, “hey dude come on.” Well, needless to say, I’ve got this expression of WTF on my face because I don’t know what he wants. After a few more moments it dawns on me that he wants to race. So by this time I’m embarrassed and forced to step on it. The last thing I saw was his Boss Mustang in my rear view mirror. :evil

P.S. It felt good and I no longer throw change in the ashtray.

L8 APEX
03-26-2004, 01:25 AM
You have quite the diet there ;) At least you listen for noises when driving. We need to lower that truck and get some go on it like this. I call it low 11's:cool: . If you want we can race and you can win. The view from behind is enough for me:D

http://www.svtgalleries.net/gallery/data/500/15Right_front-med.jpg

Shiner1
03-26-2004, 09:55 AM
If I told you that while loading a TV (still in the cardboard box) into the so called back seat of my Brother-in-Law's 911 Cabriolet convert. (with the top up) and that it was just an inch or two of fitting and I gave it one final shove.......through the clear plastic window....does that make me a DA? In reality I think that I'm a victim of an unfortunate accident which resulted from curcumstances beyond my control, as opposed to a true dumbass.

Moonshine
03-26-2004, 06:56 PM
Hey Brian... You fixed them holes yet :rll:The Prairie is pristine again, thanks to a little Bondo, a bit of sanding, and a Preval airless sprayer. Man, this was long enough ago that I'd forgotten what a DA I can be. It's been awhile since I did anything this dumb, but gimme time, I'm sure I'll be there again at some point. :D

http://www.svtgalleries.net/gallery/data/500/3DSC00816-med.jpg

AKRed02
03-27-2004, 12:34 AM
The Prairie is pristine again, thanks to a little Bondo, a bit of sanding, and a Preval airless sprayer. Man, this was long enough ago that I'd forgotten what a DA I can be. It's been awhile since I did anything this dumb, but gimme time, I'm sure I'll be there again at some point. :D

http://www.svtgalleries.net/gallery/data/500/3DSC00816-med.jpgSo now that the "L" of the ATV world is pristine again, you need to bring it and that big elephant gun you have mounted on the back up here and see what kind of damage you can do to some of these big bears up here.

But do me a favor. . .let me know if you decide to come up here so I can come back to TX. I want to be sure I will be far enough away that you won't hit anywhere near where I'm at. http://www.talonclub.com/forum/images/smilies/wink.gif

But then I don't know if TX is far enough away from you and your aim. http://www.talonclub.com/forum/images/smilies/rofl2.gif http://www.talonclub.com/forum/images/smilies/rofl2.gif

I'm sorry Moonshine I couldn't help myself. http://www.talonclub.com/forum/images/smilies/devil.gif

Michelle